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Normally I Only Sell Those to the Zoo
by
Moturd
2-04-17
A desperate Claire turns to the black market...
Listen Honey, I need to acquire a particular item that may be slightly illegal to import right now
Yeah lady, you and every other 40 something female in the country.
It sounds like you know what I need
How about this one? Add 4 'C' batteries and you're all set.
Uh, Sweetie, you got one that takes about 8 'D' cells?
You want this one, a Penetrator-3000, also known as the "Jonah Falcon"
Moturd's Comics
03/28/20 - 7 in 10 Millennials Vote Socialist
03/26/20 - An Unbearably Painful Comic
03/24/20 - I'm your #1 Fan
03/24/20 - Happy Hour 7-9
03/21/20 - The Impact of Social Distancing Furlough
03/21/20 - Politics as Usual
03/16/20 - Deep Thoughts by Oppah Muchinguri
03/15/20 - Church of Peter
03/14/20 - And so say all of us!
03/14/20 - Home Remedy
03/12/20 - Stelter's Darkhorse Candidate
03/11/20 - Wuhand Sanitizer
03/11/20 - Pandemic Plethora
03/10/20 - Bugs über alles
03/09/20 - Weakened at Bernies
03/09/20 - First Dates
03/08/20 - How Coronavirus got started
03/07/20 - A Shetland is a pint-sized horse
03/04/20 - Olly Olly Oxen Free
03/02/20 - You Horny Devil!
03/01/20 - Classic Joke Setup
02/29/20 - Freeman Dyson
02/22/20 - Uncle Joe's Funny Stories
02/22/20 - Untitled
02/22/20 - The Weather Predictress
02/21/20 - The Old Chinese Trade Strategy
02/19/20 - Universal Basic Outcome
02/18/20 - Free as a Bird. Poo-tee-weet?
02/16/20 - An Unexplained Absence
02/15/20 - Progressive Party Firsts
02/13/20 - I'm Helping My Uncle, Jack, Off A Horse
02/12/20 - Justin's African Adventure
02/08/20 - Somewhere in Southbend
02/07/20 - Mitt Explains his Vote IV
02/07/20 - Mitt Explains his Vote III
02/07/20 - Mitt Explains his Vote II
02/06/20 - Mitt Explains his Impeachment Vote
02/05/20 - Oh Lucy!
02/05/20 - The Two Party System Never Changes
02/01/20 - Wheel of 4Chan
01/31/20 - Gems from the Weinstein Trial
01/25/20 - Bucking the Trend like a Crazy Horse
01/25/20 - Minimum Wage Loyalty
01/24/20 - Easiest Job in the World
01/21/20 - The Red Pill or the Blue Pill
01/19/20 - The SCOTUS Confirmation Process
01/17/20 - Donut Licker Rides Again
01/12/20 - The Whether Forecast
01/10/20 - The 17.34 Year Itch
01/05/20 - Self Filtering
12/30/19 - The Need For Power
12/30/19 - WaPo Gestapo II
12/28/19 - Stolen Off the Intarwebs
12/28/19 - Sasquatch in a Pant Suit II
12/26/19 - mOt Splains World
12/23/19 - Keeping the Turkey Pot Pie Company
12/21/19 - The Singles Cruise
12/21/19 - More Toilet Humor
12/19/19 - Nancy Forces a Stalemate
12/16/19 - The Underground Grail-road
12/16/19 - Bernie's Cabinet Picks
12/15/19 - Male Chicken of the Sea
12/13/19 - Passing the Jeopardy Torch
12/09/19 - Walmart Public Service Announcement
12/08/19 - The duct tape is where they get you
12/06/19 - Gr-r-r-r-attitude!
12/03/19 - Playstation Turns 25
12/01/19 - Hunter Gets Subpoenaed
11/25/19 - The Presidential Pardon
11/24/19 - The Un-Credible Hulk
11/21/19 - Opining in the Pines
11/20/19 - Pew Pew Pugh
11/11/19 - Should Have Studied Contract Law
11/08/19 - Psycho Seating Tips
11/06/19 - You like me
11/05/19 - Relationship Status: It's Complicated
11/05/19 - Glory Days and Holes
11/02/19 - Happy Melloween
10/30/19 - CNN Noose Hour
10/29/19 - My grandparents, such kidders!
10/28/19 - The WaPo Gestapo
10/21/19 - Sasquatch in a Pant Suit
10/21/19 - Revivification 277
10/20/19 - RIP Congressman
10/20/19 - Warehouse Worker Sniglets
10/13/19 - The Day the Pope's Butthole Puckered
10/11/19 - How To Spin This One
10/09/19 - Unexpected Downtime
10/04/19 - Thwack Bam Kapow
10/03/19 - Whale Season
09/29/19 - Deathrace 2020
09/28/19 - 1984 + 35
09/23/19 - The Rising Tide
09/21/19 - Bad First Date Ideas
09/19/19 - Discount Raw Fish
09/15/19 - Ric Ocasek RIP
09/15/19 - Career Fare
09/12/19 - He's With Her
09/07/19 - Topic Thunder
09/06/19 - Drowned Like a Rat
09/02/19 - Out of the frying pan
08/28/19 - Tough Negotiator
08/25/19 - Soylant Queen
08/23/19 - Fantastic Voyage
08/16/19 - With a little help from my friends
08/16/19 - Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
08/10/19 - Quick! Cremate the Body
08/09/19 - Think Happy Thoughts
08/08/19 - Scoring West Coast Style
08/06/19 - And then leave $50 on the end table?
08/04/19 - He's a big FIBA
08/03/19 - Ode to a Grecian Yearn
07/31/19 - We built this city
07/23/19 - The Democratic Presidential Primaries
07/13/19 - No esta en casa
07/09/19 - Two and Two
07/08/19 - Orgy Island
07/02/19 - Don't Drink the Water!
06/29/19 - Meanwhile at Castle Frankenshame...
06/22/19 - Stuck Flying Coach Until 2021
06/10/19 - Tonight's Monologue
05/29/19 - Weak Sauce Bob
05/28/19 - The Lottery
05/19/19 - Fetal Survival Skills
05/18/19 - CC 717: FILLED EXAMPLE
05/18/19 - CC 717: TEMPLATE
05/17/19 - Grieving for Grumpy Cat
05/10/19 - CC 716: Clown College Reunion
05/06/19 - Killer Rocks From Outer Space
05/03/19 - Panty Raid
04/23/19 - The Bernie Sanders Plan
04/20/19 - Pest Removal
04/18/19 - Available in 33 States with a Prescription
04/18/19 - It's a Hog's Life
04/15/19 - But Security Took My Lighter
04/14/19 - Let's Get Astrophysical
03/31/19 - Alexandria O'Crazio-Cortex
03/28/19 - ‘These aren’t my socks’
03/12/19 - Hashtag #youredoingitwrong
03/12/19 - Hashtag Trashtag
02/24/19 - News Report of National Import
02/24/19 - Free Two Day Shipping
02/22/19 - Wonder Boy
02/22/19 - Utah, Under the Wide Blue Sky
02/21/19 - Broken Record
02/16/19 - I'm Sirius
02/16/19 - Sexbots
02/16/19 - Another Brick in the Wall
02/11/19 - Fact Check
01/30/19 - Shichirin
01/24/19 - All the Libel That's Fit to Print
12/23/18 - Redshirt, Brownshirt, what's the diff?
12/21/18 - Obligatory Exchange
12/21/18 - For Every Einstein...
12/21/18 - OK, OJ
09/20/18 - Euthanasia
09/12/18 - Sex Million Dollar Man
09/07/18 - He Didn't Inhale
09/07/18 - Identity Marketing
09/05/18 - The Stop BEZOS Act
09/05/18 - A Change in Affiliation
08/22/18 - Youth in Asia
08/09/18 - Moth'er Stucker
08/06/18 - DNN, Democrat News Network
07/31/18 - Overheard in a Bar
07/23/18 - Proper Comic-con Attire
06/23/18 - Caught Red Handed
05/19/18 - What a Snoozer
05/08/18 - Be Best
05/07/18 - Nestle's Number Crunch
05/07/18 - Boy Withholds Organs from Dying Children
05/05/18 - Don't Feed the Giant Rats
04/26/18 - The Boy Who Never Became a Man
04/26/18 - Take Your Kid to Work Day
04/24/18 - When Men Were Men
04/13/18 - CC690: If your name starts with A-E
04/13/18 - CC690: If your name starts with F-J
04/13/18 - CC690: If your name starts with K-Q
04/13/18 - CC690: If your name starts with R-Z
04/05/18 - El Gas de Primero mas Deadliamente
04/03/18 - Anachronism Defined
03/27/18 - Churlish de Gaulle
03/17/18 - Dead Man Walking
03/13/18 - You're Not Paranoid
03/13/18 - Terms: Buy, Good Till Cancelled
03/09/18 - Internet Dating
02/22/18 - The Ratings War During the Olympics
02/17/18 - Alternate Timeline in Libtardia
02/13/18 - They Were Framed
02/09/18 - Why Won't Starmen Ask For Directions?
02/06/18 - Zoom zoom zoom
02/04/18 - What Are Friends For?
02/04/18 - Bad Day for the Gray Lady
01/30/18 - State of the Uniom
01/27/18 - Hot Ticket Item
01/27/18 - French Frogs Flooded
01/24/18 - Pope Urges Journalists to be Honest
01/21/18 - Mike Rowe (Not So) Soft
01/20/18 - Fat Bass Turd
01/18/18 - He Should Know
01/16/18 - Don't Drink, Don't Smoke, What Do You Do?
01/16/18 - Headline: Prognosis Negative!
01/14/18 - Lick Balls, Lick Balls, Chewtoy
01/13/18 - Musical Sweatshirt Logos
01/12/18 - More Sex Robot Hype
01/11/18 - The Masked Rider Rides the Bus
01/10/18 - Migration Application Help for criminals
01/08/18 - Nonsense and Nonsensibility
12/31/17 - P.C. Ethnic Jokes part deux
12/31/17 - P.C. Ethnic Jokes
12/24/17 - Primative Philosophy
12/22/17 - "Cannon Ball" Run
12/21/17 - The Holiday Miracle
12/20/17 - This Strip Is Not Based On A Real Person
12/17/17 - What Has Macaque Gotten Into Now?
12/16/17 - Grabbed by Macaque
12/12/17 - The Enemy of my Enemy is my Friend
12/10/17 - Hillary Would Have Had the Dean Killed
12/08/17 - Halszkaraptor: Killer Swan with Flippers
12/05/17 - Five Star Family Dining
12/03/17 - Christmas Classics Vol. 1
12/03/17 - Pushmi-pullyu
12/03/17 - Hawaii Prepares for Surprise Nuclear Attack
12/02/17 - In Memoriam: Jim Nabors
12/02/17 - That's a Bunch of Bologna!
11/25/17 - The Wizard of AWS
11/24/17 - News Should Be New
11/17/17 - National Thanksgiving Turkey
11/12/17 - Half the Water, Twice as Often
11/09/17 - Born in East L.A.
11/08/17 - Indisputable Evidence of CTE
11/08/17 - One Man's Trash is Another Man's Treasure
10/31/17 - Tales of the 4th Definition
10/31/17 - Double, Double Toil and Trouble
10/30/17 - The Curious Case of Miss Kim Wall 4
10/30/17 - The Curious Case of Miss Kim Wall 3
10/30/17 - The Curious Case of Miss Kim Wall 2
10/30/17 - The Curious Case of Miss Kim Wall 1
10/30/17 - The Lucky Dragon Buffet
10/29/17 - Angry Birds II: The Pigs Get Porked
10/26/17 - Sex Robots, Closer Than Ever
10/24/17 - Liar, Liar
10/23/17 - Apply Liberally to Head. Rinse and Repeat.
10/22/17 - Jimmy Carter: Honest Christian Democrat
10/20/17 - Never Shatter the Illusion of Believability
10/18/17 - Annie Got My Gun
10/18/17 - Boy Scouts Just Aren't The Same Anymore
10/18/17 - Kangaroo Fight
10/16/17 - Damage Control
10/16/17 - Another Shameful Personal Insight
10/14/17 - An International Collect Call
10/10/17 - From the Bureau of Legislating Politesse
10/09/17 - Post-election Aftermath
09/29/17 - Crying Clown 676
09/28/17 - Overly Pragressive
09/28/17 - Insert Installation Disc and Reboot Your Phone
09/26/17 - The Cannibal Family
09/22/17 - CNN Reports on Sex Robots
09/21/17 - Unrecoverable Application Error
09/19/17 - World's Greatest UN Speech
09/16/17 - You're all a bunch of white nationalists!
09/13/17 - I'm So Sorry Mr. and Mrs. Nichols
09/12/17 - @tedcruz Liked a Porn Tweet
09/11/17 - Sex Robot Owners, Look Out
09/07/17 - The Old Double Standard
08/26/17 - Don't Bring a Gun to a Knife Fight
08/26/17 - ACLU Has Officially Jumped The Shark
08/24/17 - Breaking the Social Contract
08/24/17 - Breaking the Social Contract
08/22/17 - A Child's Priorities
08/17/17 - We Need Earth Women
08/12/17 - He Had Pretty Eyes
08/11/17 - And She Made Multiple Six Figures
08/07/17 - The P.C. Echo Chamber pt 2
08/07/17 - The P.C. Echo Chamber pt 1
08/06/17 - In Other Fake News, Serious Black Escapes Askaban
08/04/17 - Another Shameful True Story
07/31/17 - A Few Good Men
07/26/17 - CC672: The One and Only Baghdad Bob
07/26/17 - Viking Stand-up
07/20/17 - Like a Bloodhound
07/20/17 - OJ Takes a Stab at Making Parole
07/18/17 - The Code of Silence
07/16/17 - Point Counterpoint
07/08/17 - Marketing 101
07/08/17 - The Travel Ban Explained Using Candy
07/07/17 - Speaking to the People of Poland
06/28/17 - Computerized Office Company's Board Meeting
06/27/17 - manbearpig meet manbuspub
06/25/17 - On The Same Plane
06/22/17 - New Neighbors
06/22/17 - English Heatwave 2
06/22/17 - English Heatwave 1
06/19/17 - My Personal Hangups
06/14/17 - GOP Whip Shot by Sanders Supporter
06/09/17 - Fighting for The Coz
06/02/17 - No Portlandia Jury Will See It This Way
05/31/17 - The Smart Shopper
05/30/17 - Artistic Spectrum Disorder
05/23/17 - The Law of Supply and Demand
05/20/17 - (Like a Record)
05/06/17 - Liberal Logic
04/21/17 - In The Bottomless Pit
04/16/17 - In The Bottomless Pit
04/16/17 - In The Bottomless Pit
04/15/17 - In The Bottomless Pit
04/15/17 - In The Bottomless Pit
04/07/17 - Donald's Blood Sugar Level Drops Too Low
03/23/17 - Point Counterpoint
03/22/17 - Hot For Teacher
03/22/17 - Wheel of Misfortune
03/19/17 - The Food Chain (Animated) 15
03/19/17 - The Food Chain (Animated) 14
03/19/17 - The Food Chain (Animated) 13
03/19/17 - The Food Chain (Animated) 12
03/19/17 - The Food Chain (Animated) 11
03/19/17 - The Food Chain (Animated) 10
03/19/17 - The Food Chain (Animated) 9
03/19/17 - The Food Chain (Animated) 8
03/19/17 - The Food Chain (Animated) 7
03/19/17 - The Food Chain (Animated) 6
03/19/17 - The Food Chain (Animated) 5
03/19/17 - The Food Chain (Animated) 4
03/19/17 - The Food Chain (Animated) 3
03/19/17 - The Food Chain (Animated) 2
03/19/17 - The Food Chain (Animated) 1
03/16/17 - Reviving A Dying Careerzlle
03/14/17 - To Catch A Thief
03/13/17 - Follow The Money
03/10/17 - 4000 AD The Roman Apocalypse
03/10/17 - In Memorium Gaius Julius Caesar
03/10/17 - Hangry Hangry Hippolonius
03/10/17 - Ancient Racial Stereotypes
03/10/17 - In The Beginning
03/10/17 - That's What Your Mom Said Last Night
03/06/17 - Marines United
03/05/17 - Door kiss mime id dolmen aim
03/05/17 - My Sex Life Needs A Defibrillator Too
03/05/17 - Donald Gets Blackmaled
03/05/17 - One Flew The Cuckoo's Nest
03/04/17 - Oh Wait, They Weren't
03/03/17 - 4 and 20 Black Birds
03/01/17 - Chicken Chimera Marinara
02/28/17 - A Breach of Decorum
02/25/17 - The Nerd Prom
02/24/17 - The Instruments of Torture
02/22/17 - CC662: Survey Says!
02/21/17 - The New Fox
02/19/17 - CC 662: Warrior Princess
02/19/17 - Liberal Media 0, Google Video 1
02/17/17 - The World Cup of Fake News
02/17/17 - What A Brave Little Girl
02/12/17 - Sometimes All He Wants Is The Fish
02/12/17 - If You Teach A Man To Fish
02/12/17 - The Watershed
02/12/17 - Shoddy Goods and Welfare Checks
02/11/17 - The Necessity of Sleep
02/08/17 - More Than Sharks Love Blood
02/05/17 - Like Two Ships Passing In The Night
02/05/17 - Can I See Your Self-Identification Please?
02/05/17 - Rated PG-17 for Adult Situations and a Dildo
02/05/17 - The Satan Clause
02/04/17 - Where's a Notary When You Need One?
02/04/17 - Let's Make A Deal
02/04/17 - Normally I Only Sell Those to the Zoo
02/04/17 - Presidential Fireside Chat
02/04/17 - A Grassroots Coalition
02/04/17 - Hell Hath No Fury
02/04/17 - At the Love Boutique
02/03/17 - Loose Lips Sink Ships
02/03/17 - I Think Darth Vader Was There That Night
02/03/17 - Trippin' the Multiverse
02/03/17 - Magic Words and Holy Water
02/03/17 - The Heat Is On
02/02/17 - Welcome to the Grand Illusion
02/02/17 - The Lovely Bones
02/02/17 - The Year of the Rooster
01/31/17 - Speaker for the Dead
01/31/17 - The Good, the Bad, and the Furby
01/29/17 - Happy Birthday Son, It's that Furby You Wanted
01/29/17 - Passing the Torch
01/28/17 - The Fright Knight
01/28/17 - We Have Always Been at War with Eastasia
01/28/17 - Changing Times
01/28/17 - Diaper Rash
01/28/17 - Making America Fabricate Again
01/28/17 - Method Acting by Asthma Kid in Malcolm in the Middle
01/28/17 - Couldn't you just Make America Vacillate Again?
01/28/17 - Remember that One 10 Second Episode?
01/25/17 - A Surprise Ending (for some of you)
01/24/17 - Match First Dates
01/23/17 - If Gollum Had Cleaned His Ears Once in a While
01/23/17 - Poetic Justice
01/22/17 - Still Feeling the Bern
01/22/17 - The District of Colic
01/16/17 - Second Coming
01/16/17 - The Immutable Laws of Relationships
01/16/17 - Date Night
01/08/17 - The Great Stan
01/08/17 - And My Wife Needs 11.5 EEE Hats
01/08/17 - Total Consciousness
01/08/17 - Those Cats Were Fast as Lightning
01/08/17 - The Scales of Just Us
01/08/17 - Too Big to Fail
01/04/17 - Bromancing the Stone
01/04/17 - My Trivia Team
01/04/17 - Engaged in your work
01/04/17 - Business As Usual
01/04/17 - I need it delivered yesterday
01/04/17 - Holiday Spirits
12/18/16 - Signs of the Apocalypse
12/18/16 - Will Work For Food
12/18/16 - Nominated for Best Excrement
12/18/16 - Parallels
12/18/16 - Back on the Res
12/18/16 - Dem Donuts
12/18/16 - Wonder Twins
07/16/16 - Management
07/16/16 - When it absolutely positively doesn't have to be there
04/12/16 - Try Try Again
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